Change.

I sat down and wrote this right after I found out we were expecting, not really knowing if I would click 'publish' or not, but I wanted to record exactly how I was feeling at the time.  I've decided to share it because sometimes it's nice to hear "that's normal," or maybe that I really am crazy?! ha!  :) 

I'm not a big fan of change, unless of course it's by my doing.  Change always make me anxious, not knowing what's going to happen or if things will fall into place.

I'm also a major planner.  I might not be the most organized person in the world but I always have a plan in my head before I do something.  Whether it be planning out my whole Saturday to the minute or planning the details of a birthday party, I must have a plan!

Scott always tells me to just go with the flow and things will work themselves out.  Ugh, I hate hearing that because I always need to know what's going on next!

Then sometimes life comes along and throws in a little curve ball, whether you're prepared or not.  This is kind of how I felt after I took the pregnancy test - this was not exactly my plan.  Granted, we did want more kids and would have probably started trying again within the next 6 months, I still hadn't planned it so I was completely caught off guard.

Towards the end of our Puerto Rico trip, I think we both kind of guessed what was going on but I know that I was personally still in denial.  We joked about baby #2 a few times but didn't really say much else.

We got home late Thursday night so I decided to buy a test the next day so I actually knew for sure. 

Kinley & I ran into CVS on Friday morning and as soon as I stepped into the store I felt like a 16 year old that wasn't old enough to be pregnant or to be buying pregnancy tests.  

I quickly grabbed a test and threw a magazine over it in my basket.  Then when there was absolutely no one around the front counter, I ran up and paid, hardly looking the cashier in the eyes.  Seriously, I need to get over this issue!  It makes me laugh now.

I took the test right when I got home and I'm not sure what I was expecting but when the super dark lines immediately came up, I was stunned.  No question anymore, I was pregnant again.

Talk about a whirlwind of emotions.  How could I not be over the moon happy?  Babies are miracles, blessings, gifts from God!  I'm not sure what I felt but I think it was pure shock.

I sent Scott a text and asked him if he could bring me lunch because Kinley was napping and I didn't want to wake her up to leave.  That excuse definitely wasn't fooling him, he knew.

He came home with lunch and as soon as we sat down to eat I said, "well, you're going to be a dad again," and immediately started sobbing. 

 

I felt like we were giving up our one on one time with Kinley by having another baby so soon so I felt like a bad mom.

 

I wondered what other people would say and didn't know how I would tell some.

 

I felt really sad that I might not be able to love another baby the way I love Kinley.

 

I wondered how we were going to afford another baby.

 

I thought that I was finally really comfortable with Kinley and her schedule but how was I going to add another baby to the mix?

I didn't know how I was ever going to be a good mom to 2 babies, in diapers, 19 months apart!  All I ever hear is that going from 1 to 2 is a major adjustment.  What if going from 0 to 1 was an adjustment for me? 

After I vented all of my feelings, Scott just hugged me and said, "you know this is a good thing right?"  That just made me cry harder because deep in my heart I knew it was a blessing and that everything would work out fine but on the surface I felt really guilty for not jumping for joy like I did when I found out about Baby #1.

I knew it would just take a little time to process these emotions and have it sink in that I was going to be a mommy again.  Later that day I knew that at this time next year, the new baby would be a perfect fit in our family and we'll wonder what life was like without him/her.

Now I've moved on to researching double strollers and trying to decide if we'll find out the sex, the fun stuff!  We are both really excited about our new addition but still pretty nervous as well - it still seems pretty unreal.

So back to change...I guess it's not such a bad thing after all.  :)